Geezer Humour


Updated Jan 31th 2011



From the life and times of Bob Greenwood

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here ?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!



From the life and times of Andy Stanton


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

From the life and times of Andy Stanton

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."



From the life and times of Blu Hopkins

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:



Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid




From the life and times of Charles Boyer

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up From the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks: 'Where are you going?'

He replies: 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says: 'Why, are you sick?'

He says: 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says: 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers: 'I'm going to the doctor, too.

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'




From the life and times of Jim McArthur


Sunday morning sex:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the bloody ice cream truck hadn't come along."





From the life and times of Andy Stanton

More From Older Women

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But every night I slept with a hot 25 year old girl!

Now I have a $2 Million home, a $100,000 car, a King size bed and 60" Plasma screen. But, now I'm sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not hlding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old girl and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch Black and White TV.

Aren't older women great? They can cut right to the important bits, and keep you from having a mid-life crisis!




The Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,

The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people unde those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'When should I tell her the war is over?''




OLD is OLD

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. The bartender says, Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, I would like to buy you a drink, too. The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water. Coming up, says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, I would like to buy you one, too. The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of

water. Coming right up, the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? The old woman replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue!




THE GEEZER PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.




From the life and times of Laurie Mills

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: 'Is someone in your house?' He said: 'No.' Then they said: 'All patrols were busy! You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'



From the life and times of Laurie Mills

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.





From the life and times of Laurie Mills

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!




From the life and times of Laurie Mills

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was sc ratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to  that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.





From the life and times of Laurie Mills

On my 53rd birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Jaynene to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

Louise was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.



From the life and times of Andy Stanton

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!' As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. 



From the life and times of Charles Boyer

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'




From the life and times of Laurie Mills

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said: 'She'll be thirty-one in November.'


Now the banker, being the wise  man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.


Tom proudly said: 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued: 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said: 'She's pregnant too.'




From the life and times of Andy Stanton

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the FIFTH Bloody' time, CHICKEN!"

From the life and times of Andy Stanton

Senior Dating

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me† such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."




From the life and times of Laurie Mills

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying, until she glanced at my grandparents.

My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.

That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."




From the life and times of Andy Stanton


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"




DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"




LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."




FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."




"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."




LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."




OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"





From the life and times of Lawrie Mills


A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex Therapist's'†office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says: "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."





From the life and times of Andy Stanton


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded: "Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."




The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.




I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.




I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.




An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "




My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ...Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.




These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief"




Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.




--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.




Another from the life and times of Lawrie Mills



Just minutes before the church services started the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God' s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."




From the life and times of Andy Stanton


An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

As Death drew ever nearer, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy Man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table.

Landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula...

"Fuck off!!" she said, "They're for the Funeral."




From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."




From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

"I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a damn?"





From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

Two Old Fools


Two very elderly friends, Harv and Jack, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Jack didn't show up, Harv didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so Harv really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Harv couldn't remember where Jack lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Harv figured old Jack had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Harv approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Jack ! Harv was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Jack, what happened to you???"

Jack replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Harv ! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Jack said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Harv, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."





From the life and times of Charles Boyer

Senior Exercise

Getting old ain't for sissies...

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It's so easy, I thought I'd pass it on.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a it longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks, then to 50-lb potato sacks.

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks




From the life and times of Charles Boyer

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this crap but me."





From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

Grandmother's Letter

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love, Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'."



From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

A SENIOR SINNER.

An old gent moved into a retirement community where good-looking, eligible women are at a premium. After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned, last week I had my way with seven different women."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face."



From the life and times of Lawrie Mills

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"



Another from the life and times of Lawrie Mills

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear flawlessly.

He went back in a month and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

From the life and times of Andy Stanton

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME WHO HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ,...OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?", I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

From the life and times of Laurie Mills

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out: "Goodbye, Mother."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."



Moral:
Do not trust all little Old Ladies

From the life and times of Laurie Mills

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"



From the life and times of Laurie Mills

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.?

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped †balloons, †and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."?

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.





From the life and times of Lynne & Andy Stanton

An old fellow was celebrating 82 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh,the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees?† You know you're 82 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie , you little bugger! If you were alive today, you'd be 82.




From the life and times of Lynne & Andy Stanton

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more.

For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.



From the life and times of Lynne & Andy Stanton

†We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!"

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

We took the two eggs home.

From Wanda Rottenfusser

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them re- member. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, did you write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for cripes sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment...

"Where's my rye toast?"



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?

"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"



Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Oh wow!" answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve-thirty."



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "Hey, you're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "Oh, NO! That's not what I said. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

From Andy Stanton

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.

An eldery couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, the husband leans over and asks his wife... "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says, "How about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He follows them...

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh, God" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed, he thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together... Is there some sort of secret?

"No, there's no secret" the old man says,

"Fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."

From Laurie Mills

HOORAY FOR THE SENIOR GENERATION

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen†sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space†travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the "wizened" one said: "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them...... you arrogant little shithead!! Now......what are you doing for the next generation??"

I love senior citizens



From Andy Stanton

Subject: Fw: New Confessional

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign... 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' can't stay on the church roof."



From Laurie Mills

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child......" What do you think about that? "

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season."

"One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."




From Andy Stanton

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

  • At the end of the day:

  • * the car isn't washed
  • * the bills aren't paid
  • * there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
  • * the flowers don't have enough water,
  • * there is still only one check in my check book,
  • * I can't find the remote,
  • * I can't find my glasses,
  • * and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
  • Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




    From Laurie Mills

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and†stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the†bottom†and pulled Ralph out.

    When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately† †ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered†her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news†and bad news....

    The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another†patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hanged† himself† with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. ... How soon can I go home?"



    From Andy Stanton


    Sunday Morning Sex**

    I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble

    .

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.




    From Laurie Mills

    A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. † He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word† and you are going to help me preach. † Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

    The pastor shouted out, "CROSS." Immediately, the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

    The pastor hollered out, "GRACE." The congregation began to sing, "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

    The pastor said, "POWER." The congregation sang ,"THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

    The Pastor said, "SEX." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

    Then, all of a sudden, way from the back of the church, a little†87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."



    From Laurie Mills



    Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

    "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

    Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

    "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

    "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."



    From Laurie Mills

    In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "Sure will," said the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

    "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "No," said the old timer, " but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."



    From Andy Stanton

    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four big men in the act of driving off with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and screamed at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

    The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it slowly dawned on her why.

    A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

    He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale, still-shaking men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

    Moral: If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one...!



    From Laurie Mills

    George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.

    George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" asked George.

    The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. am. How can I help you?"

    George: "Do you sell heart medications?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

    George: "How about support hose for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis &arthritis?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds."

    George: "How about waterproof furniture pads & Depends?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes sir."

    George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies &reading glasses?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes."

    George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"

    George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."





    From Laurie Mills

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

    "No, I don't."

    "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

    She didn't crack a smile.


    "Oh, well. I tried," he thought, but five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked.

    "I was just imagining how condoms are made!!!!"

    Gotta watch those little old ladies!!! Their minds are always working!





    From Andy Stanton

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. †I thought you'd like to see what happened to me last summer.

    I went to my local Canadian Tire store one day back in August. †I was only in there for about 15 minutes, but when I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

    I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

    I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

    So I called him a piece of horse s#*%t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one.

    Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes ... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    I didn't give a crap, my car was parked around the corner.

    I try to have a little fun each day.

    It's important at my age.






    From Andy Stanton

    Now this is one smart "Man" !!!!!

    An old farmer in Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


    Moral: Old age and experience will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.





    From Laurie Mills

    Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

    She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

    He said, "I did that by accident."

    She replied: "I know that, Grandpa."

    "How did you know?": He inquired.

    She said: "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards."


    From Laurie Mills

    Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked† how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument†go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

    The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

    Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

    Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

    † "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf " and she said, "You'll need a sweater..."





    From Laurie Mills


    Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers.

    This is good news for "those feeling a little older" and missing those great old tunes .

    Herman's Hermits
    "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER"

    The Bee Gees
    "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP"

    Bobby Darin
    "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH"

    Ringo Starr
    "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS"

    Roberta Flack
    "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE"

    Johnny Nash
    "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW"

    Paul Simon
    "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER"

    Commodores
    "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM"

    Marvin Gaye
    "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS"

    Procol Harem
    "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR"

    Leo Sayer
    "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING"

    The Temptations
    "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE"

    ABBA
    "DENTURE QUEEN"


    From Laurie Mills

    There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for seniors. Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from The Sound of Music, My Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words- here is what she sang:



    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favourite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favourite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favourite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favourite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favourite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.




    From Laurie Mills

    An old Ukrainian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Toronto city building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

    The little Ukrainian Baba says, " My, What lovely Aromas! " One turns to the old Ukrainian woman and says arrogantly, " Romance by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!" The other a younger and more beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and saying, " Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce! "

    The little Ukrainian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About three floors later, the Baba has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

    Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, sqeezes one off and says, " Cabbage. 49 cents a pound. "





    From Laurie Mills

    A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening.

    They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

    Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

    "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

    The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

    The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

    The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

    Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

    As the old man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal.

    The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

    Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing...she just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy themsomething to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

    As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

    After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating?

    You said that you share everything. What is it you are waiting for?"

    She answered,.............










    "The teeth."




    From Laurie Mills

    GRANDPA GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR HIS YEARLY VISIT AND NATURALLY GRANDMA TAGS ALONG. WHEN THE DOCTOR ENTERS THE EXAMINATION ROOM HE STATES THAT HE WANTS A URINE SAMPLE, A STOOL SAMPLE AND A SPERM SAMPLE


    BEING A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING HE LOOKS AT GRANDMA AND ASKS " WHAT 'S HE WANT? "
    TO WHICH SHE REPLIES ... " HE WANTS YOUR UNDERWEAR " .




    From Laurie Mills

    One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment killing him instantly..

    Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

    She began coolly, Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could fly




    From Laurie Mills

    A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

    Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).

    The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"




    From Barrie Blake

    An Elderly lady asks her husband: "How would you like some bacon & eggs for breakfast ?"

    He replies: "No thanks dear, this viagra is killing my appetite."

    About noon she asks: "Well dear, how about something light for lunch like a cheese sandwich and some soup?"

    He gives her the same reply.

    Towards the end of the day she says: "Well honey, how about some nice roast beef, gravy and some Yorkshire pudding?"

    Same answer again!

    Then she says:

    "WELL HOW ABOUT GETTING OFF ME, CAUSE I'M GETTING HUNGRY !!"




    From Andy Stanton

    Subject: The elderly - they can be soooo sweet.....

    Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

    An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.



    Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

    My room mate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.


    She asked if she could listen to mine and I said: "Fuck you!"

    Thank you for that opportunity.

    Sincerely,

    Edna Walters




    From Laurie Mills

    Subject: Wal-Mart greeters
    Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break.
    One turns to the other asking," Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?
    Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe"
    Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"
    Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."



    From Ruth Henderson

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

    GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.

    GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

    LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!




    From Andy Stanton

    THE STATE TROOPER

    A middle-aged guy treated himself to a brand new Ford T-Bird convertible and headed for the open road. Soon, he was cruising along at 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

    "Wow, this is great!" he thought.

    But then he looked in his rearview mirror and noticed that there was a State Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

    "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the guy, as he floored the gas and flew down the road at over 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the T-Bird and walked up to the man.

    "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding - one that I've never heard before - I'll let you go."

    The man looked up at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

    The Trooper replied, "Have a nice day."




    From Laurie Mills

    A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner.

    As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

    "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put em back in the bowl."




    From Laurie Mills

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,......"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat.






    From Pete Wood An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
    A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him.
    The young man turned to him and said sarcastically: "What's the matter oldtimer, never done anything wild in your life?"
    Without batting an eye, the old man replied: "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."




    From Laurie Mills

    Subject: Ice Cream

    A little old man shuffled ..........ever so slooooowly...........into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself ................ever so slooooooowly............ painfully........... up onto a stool.

    After catching his breath.............................. he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?



    "Nope," he replied, "arthritis".


    From Doug Gladstone!

    A geezer was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the geezer stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

    "The PSGW called, you left your wheelchair there again."


    Three Geezers on a Park Bench.

    1st Geezer: "You know, fellas! I don't mind getting old, and at 75 life is pretty good, but I'd give anything to be able to pass water without distress!

    2nd Geezer: "Well son, I don't seem to have that sort of difficulty. My body hasn't tripped me up at all unless it's in the area of the bowels. Why I'd give a million bucks to be able to have regular bowel movements.

    3rd Geezer: "You young pups don't know stink! I'm 96 and every morning at 8:AM I have my first bowel movement of the day just as regular as you please and about 10 minutes after that I pass water easily and with no discomfort. But I tell you this! I'd give anything in the world to wake up before 8:30!!


    A Scene in a Park .

    (A geezer is weeping openly on a park bench when he is approached by an old friend) 1st Geezer: "Biil, I haven't seen you in years, what's the problem?

    2nd Geezer: "Well, Jack I just got married a week ago."

    1st Geezer: "Gosh, is it not working out, why are you so unhappy?

    2nd Geezer: "No, it's working out beautifully, she's young, sexy wealthy and she treats me like a King. Every morning at 6:00 she wakes me up with coffe and breakfast and we make wonderful love for 2 hours. Then I take a walk in the park and return home to a fabulous meal and more love before we turn in."

    1st Geezer: "Why that sounds like an idyllic life why are you so unhappy?"

    2nd Geezer, bursting into fresh tears: "I can't remember where I live!!!"


    From Laurie Mills

    Three old pilots are walking on the ramp.
    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
    Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
    Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
    A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc!; 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

    ------------------------------------ As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280.
    Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"



    The Rest Home

    A fellow was visiting a rest home in order to evaluate it for his aging parents, and as he walked the halls he noticed that the residents seemed happy and were well served by a kind and attentive staff.

    He was very impressed when he noticed that one gentleman sitting in a chair was starting to list to one side when one of the attendants rushed up and propped a pillow under that side .

    A few minutes passed and he began to drift off to the other side. Another attendant rushed up and propped another pillow under him .

    Minutes later he began to tip forward and to prevent him from falling out of the chair the attendant put a footstool under his feet and wrapped a soft strap under his arms.

    The chap decided to walk over and talk to the old fellow and find out more about the facility.

    He asked the man how he found the staff and the services here

    He said: "For god's sake! Don't be caught dead here. The bastards won't even let you Fart!!"




    An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.
    He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
    The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
    The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago

    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
    One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
    The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
    The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"



    An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
    "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
    "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"



    Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
    Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
    Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "



    Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
    The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big Onions.
    The third old lady remarked I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


    His wife asked, "Where are you going?"

    He replied, "I'm going to the doctor."

    "Why? Are you sick?"


    "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

    His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat.

    He asked, "Where are you going?"

    She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."

    "Why?"

    "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."